07.19.09
A “How To” Narcotics Anonymous (NA) Guide Shows a Crack Addict a Great Method to Help Kick the Habit!
By Ron Kerron
Ah! I remeber it like it was yesterday – in fact it was yesterday! I completely hit rock bottom… I experienced what every addict dreads; I ran out of crack, yet I still had a hunger for the HIGH. If you’ve ever been there you know how that went, I started the “World Famous” crack search, which spanned the entire 500 feet of my apartment… Yo see in my extreme state of crack induced paranoia I often hide pieces of rock from myself or from the imaginary police outside, who I think are shinning lights outside my doors and are ready to arrest me at any moment (How in the world they know I’m in my room sucking on that crack pipe, I just don’t know but they’re out there… I think).
I started rummaging through the cabinets, the drawers, on top of the fridge – there I am on all fours scouring the carpets inch by inch, Like a CSI Miami detective in search of a clue. Finally “Victory” I found what I’ve been looking for – A piece of much welcomed Crack, my mouth began to water…I had to have it. You’ve heard of the “New York Minute”, well I smoked this fucking Rock in what I affectionately call the “Crack Addict Minute” – Holy shit you know what, it was fucking piece of Mozzerella Cheese.
In recovery and all the literature and the blogs, NABlog, AABlog, just to mention a few states that there is a time in every addicts life when they hit that point (BIG or Small) where there is just no going any further – they have a choice to either stay there and die or get up get help and live, this was my moment. I knew I needed some goddamn help, because if I could smoke a friggin milk product, what esle could I end up smoking – the sky’s the limit and I didn’t want to find out.
I wrote this letter over six months ago to my “Guide” what I affectionately refer to my Narcotics Anonymous (NA) sponsor. It was one of his requirements, that I have a personal journal to blatantly document everthing that was occuring in my life – even the relapses. He reffered to is as a “How to” manual, because each entry explains and examines how the desire to use came on, and how I can use that information to not use.
It was difficult at first; you see on a fresh high I had problems writing my own name much less writing a coherent sentence. The following day after the crack left my system, I started writing it felt strange, but good… It was nice to be completely honest wuth my own feelings. I wrote a page a day – and in the process saved my life one day at a time. I haven’t looked back since, and each day I thank my personal “Guide”.
This is Ron Kerronian,
Thanks for letting me share.
donna said,
September 2, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Thanks for sharing Ron. I am a “newbie” to the program and I thank God for reaching down for me “one more time.” I knew I was at rock bottom when I went through some of the extremes you mentioned in your journal. I can only imagine what went through your mind when you realized it was a piece of cheese you were smoking. Thats rock bottom for sure…Been there, done that, sold the t-shirt! I watched in horror, of the unknown, crack literally stealing my two best friends from me one by one as if they were pawn’s in a monolopy game. Not only did I grieve for my loss but I grieved for a tremendous amount of time since they were taken from me at the same time. It was my fear that kept me from exploring those uncharted waters and I am so very thankful that God put that fear in my heart. I have made so so many empty promises to my God for deliverance that I am shocked that he heard me knocking. I am still in the company of placing blame because that is all that I knew in my years of abuse. I have completed only 3 meetings, but those three meetings saved my life in a very literal sense. I enjoy gettting up each day now and look forward to what the good Lord has set out for me to accomplish just for today. It amazes me the love, patience, and understanding that He has not just for me, but for all his children. I now understand why he has not taken me out by now. And I thought (when I could) I was just invincible. The devil is a charming liar and I finally have him in his place, under my feet. It got to where the pain was so much worse than the addiction, but now that I am free of that pain I can deal with the rest of it ONLY with His help and guidance and my meetings. I know that nothing is by accident or chance. If I can touch just one life, it will be the life of one of His children and I am certain now that is what he had planned for me all along. He knows my heart as well as my intentions and I know that with his help that will be the best decision I ever made without being told that was what I was going to do. While I am not in denial (I pray) that when the “new” wears off, those daily meetings will be more and more welcomed and not just another mundane routine and only a matter of going to get a paper signed.I was brought here unregistered, I reckon. I am very proud of my white key ring and I will share it with honor for the rest of my time here. Thank you for the fellowship. I’m thirsty for all I can get at this point. I am starved for the fellowship and oh what a high that is! Best high I have ever been on. While I may not be the best in choosing words, I hope that I made some sense in striving to convey my feelings. Have a blessed day and thank you so much! only through his promise, I am Donna Morris